Kill the body and the head will die

Funny? Not Even A Little

2010-06-29T09:45:00.002-06:00

As I have previously stated, I hate AFV and all the shows out there like it. They are the kind of shows that glorify poor decision making skills and stupidity. They play to the lowest form of entertainment. I really believe that shows of that kind only serve to dumb down the already slow witted general public.
But the one thing that I hate most of all about shows like that are quite a few of the videos involving small children and animals (The former being a group I don't really care for and the latter a group I love dearly).
Last night when I stopped at my friend's house, he had AFV on so I ended up seeing more than I cared to. One video in particular caught my eye.
After watching a toddler in a bathtub pull a nearby cat (rather roughly, I might add) in to the water only to have the cat spaz (That's right, letting your naked child haul and angry cat, complete with claws, in to a bathtub is a REALLY GOOD IDEA) I was just about done. I'd love to tell you I was surprised that it only got worse.
It was followed by a video of a very small child crawling along after a tiny frog (it apparently had gotten in to their house as it was hoping frantically across the carpet). The baby kept grabbing at the poor thing in the ungracious manner that babies have while the camera looked on and the parents laughed. When the baby finally got ahold of the terrified frog I was cringing but the announcer was kind enough to assure everyone that the baby didn't crush the frog.
No.
While the parents watched the baby nearly squishing the life out of a living thing (and laughed) it shoved the poor frog in its mouth and killed it that way.
Yeah, Mr. Announcer. Thanks for telling us all not to worry that the baby wasn't going to squish the frog in its hand. And way to go, mom with the camera, for waiting until that happened (because we didn't all see that coming) to put down the fucking camera and dig the now very dead frog out of your child's mouth.
Can someone please tell me what part of that was meant to be funny?
Actually, no. Don't. I would like to hold on to a little tiny piece of me that believes that there are still people out there who also can't see what part of that is supposed to be comical.

Thanks A Lot

2010-06-22T18:07:00.002-06:00

It's my mom's birthday tomorrow. It falls shortly after Father's Day so there's always a bit of an over lap in planning, which I'm usually left with the bulk of.

That's only partially a complaint. In all honesty, I like it that way. It leaves very little up to chance when I don't have to count on anyone, I know what's going on, I know that everything is handled (or failing that, that there is a back up plan) and I actually LIKE doing the planning. I LIKE making supper. I LIKE all of those things because it's one of the big ways I show that I care.

So when I was talking to my mom today and she mentioned supper tomorrow and that my brother had already spoken to her about it, I was a little surprised.

Before Father's Day I had asked him what he was planning and told him we needed to talk about it. Father's Day came and went and he didn't say a word. It's not unusual for him to just forget everything so I made a plan. I even took tomorrow afternoon off to make supper. I spent a week looking up recipes and figuring things out. I was figuring out desert and getting my grocery list together.

But no.

My brother had already spoken to her about dinner and failed to mention any of this to me.

I plan this shit out for every single occasion and the ONE time he decides to help it's by making all the plans AND NOT TELLING ME.

So all the hours I spent planning were for nothing. He left me without anything to do, which makes me feel like a fucking schmuck. And now because I'm mad, hurt and upset my mother wants to cancel everything and just not have a birthday because, you know, that doesn't make me feel even more like a fucking douche bag.

Awesome.

The best part is, if I hadn't spoken to my mother I would have gone to get groceries tonight and gone to make supper tomorrow so my idiot brother could show up with his own groceries in tow.

It's days like these I wish I could drink.

Put It In Your Face Hole

2010-06-11T18:53:00.003-06:00

Rice is something I like when there's stuff with it. It's rare that I ever eat just rice. I don't really care for it alone. All that may have changed (sort of). I have discovered furikake*.

This shit is awesome. I bought some earlier and wanted to try it out. Since I had some left over rice from a few days ago, supper seemed like a good chance to try it out. I will never be sad that I did.

Between a sammich and the rice, I almost didn't want to eat the sammich. It was just taking time away from eating the rice. It was also taking up room in my stomach for the delicious, delicious rice.

I am suddenly INCREDIBLY happy I live within walking distance of the store that sells it. I have a feeling I'm going to go through a lot.

*Although it's spelled a little too much like Bukkake.

Shit...

2010-05-22T13:14:00.002-06:00

I'm doing that thing again, aren't I? That thing where I neglect this place.
I'm sorry.
Life has been busy. You know, real life. Not that my twitter or tumblr would show that at all.
Part of it is, I've been wondering how much life the old girl has left in her. Kill the Body was my first site ever. It's been here through good times and bad. It's been my sanctuary, my confessional, my hiding place. It's been here when I needed a good rant, and we all know that's often enough.
But, as Bob Dylan says, "Times they are a-changing".
I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago (yeah, 5 years) but who of us is?
It took me a long time to come to terms with that. I'm not the same angry, hateful person any more. There are shades of that person still, but not to the same extent and to be honest, I hope it stays that way.
My interests, hobbies and loves have all found homes in other places if not in my real, everyday life (how boring, eh?).
So do I still need this place?
In a strange way, part of me does. I think I always will. I don't know that I want to give it up, throw it away or delete it forever. I don't know if I'm ready to do that with such a huge piece of my life. The last six years of my life have been the most difficult six years I hope to ever live through. There have been some horribly dark times (and some amazingly good times). This place made it possible for me to carry on and sometimes... it was a reason to carry on.
So how do I walk away? Should I even consider it? Can I commit to coming here more often and posting again.
Not the same as I used to. Those days are gone. But something. Anything.
I don't know.
I need to spend more time thinking I guess.
Feel free to chime in.
If there's anyone still out there.

Team Edward?

2010-04-29T09:51:00.004-06:00

Yeah, you could say that.
Wait... who the fuck were you talking about?

An Issue Of Distance

2010-04-19T07:57:00.003-06:00

Like most people my age, I'm pretty pro-internet. I spend a lot of time entertaining myself with stupid online shit. It fills time when I'm bored at work, it increases the amount of useless information I have stored in my head and most of all, it connects me to all kinds of people.

I certainly count that last one as a pro, for me it's also a con.

See I have plenty of friends offline (believe it or not) and I also have plenty of friends online, some of whom I've met and some I haven't. My friends online are scattered all over the world. They're great people who I'm proud to know and prouder still to call friends. The ones I have met have been (unbelievably) more awesome in person than online and they're in my thoughts constantly.

Bu at the same time it's sad. Being scattered around the world means that they are all much, much too far away. It drives me crazy when I know someone is upset or freaking out or just having a bad day and I can't just be there. There are so many times when I say "I wish I could give you a hug" and I mean it completely. There are even more times I think "I wish they were here" whether it's just for coffee and hanging out or because I'm the one who needs a hug.

I do what I can to make the distance seem less but sometimes... it sucks balls.

I guess what it comes down to is this - I love all my friends. They are awesome. To be able to continue sharing pieces of my life with these people, I take the bad along with the good because it's worth it to me.

I just wish you were here.

Speaking Of Houses

2010-04-10T09:43:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about houses. Well, to be more precise, I've been thinking about what it is I want in a house, what's important, what's required and (when I get bored) what I'd want in a dream house.
I've always had a list of things I'm looking for in a home - and I do mean home, I have no intention of making a life for myself in a "house". But over the years that list has grown and shrunk again, changed and changed again.
Part of the trouble is, I'm a huge design whore. I love interior design (now there's a career I really should look in to) and I love things that make a place special. So, unfortunately, what I can afford and what my dream home looks like are not just miles apart, they're on different planets. (Slowly, I am working my way closer to the dream but for now I'm here.)
Where am I at now?
Right now I'm day dreaming. So here are a few things I would look for if my lotto numbers came through.

A closed front porch - I love them. A lot. I'm the kind of person who enjoys sitting outside without actually sitting outside. It's some kind of personality flaw, I'm sure, but it's true.

A second floor/loft - I don't know why I have a fascination with having an upstairs, but I do. I think it comes along with my love of old houses, wooden steps and heavy banisters. I also love spiral staircases for some unknown reason.

A claw foot tub - I am not someone who enjoys taking baths. I'm a shower person. So I know it's absolutely ridiculous for me to want a claw foot tub as badly as I do. But something about the look of them... I absolutely adore them.

A finished basement - I am, for the most part, much happier hanging out in the basement than I am upstairs. It's my retreat from the summer, especially when I don't have A/C.

A really nicely done kitchen - I cook and bake a lot. If the kitchen I have now has taught me anything it's that having a shitty kitchen is torture. Not having enough counter space, too few cupboards, bad layout, shitty lighting - it all makes doing something I love more like a chore and that's just unacceptable. Also, if I had my way, every kitchen would come with a dishwasher (whether that be a machine or someone, I don't care as long I don't have to ever wash them again).

A private library - We are talking dream home, after all. Mine would definitely have a private library. I don't even require a big room, just one room entirely devoted to my books (of which there are hundreds) with an enormous chair and a reading lamp.

A pool - Again, we're talking about my dream home here. Fun fact: I love to swim. I could happily swim every day. I just hate public pools and beaches are so damned crowded. A private pool would make me happier than I can say.

Enough room to keep a horse - This is the most cliche girl thing I will ever be caught admitting to, but I love horses. I always have. I've long said that one of my biggest goals in life is to be able to own a horse. Much like I could swim every day, horseback riding is something I would kill to be able to do every day.

And finally (for the purposes of this post anyway, I could keep going forever)

A really amazing entertainment room - Movies aren't something I just enjoy. They aren't something I watch "once and a while". They are a huge part of my life. I went to film school for a reason. Not having a good place to sit and watch movies would ruin an otherwise ideal home. Have you seen pictures of entertainment rooms people have dumped thousands of dollars in to? Yes. Like that. Maybe even a guest house converted in to one big home theatre.

That Was Strike Two

2010-04-09T08:06:00.002-06:00

I may have mentioned that I got new neighbours a while ago. The house next door seems to have cycled through a few since my old neighbours left (I really liked them and I wish they hadn't moved). Not one of those people have been good neighbours. They've all ranged from annoying to completely obnoxious.
The latest batch, however, have been something special. One of the most interesting interesting things to note is that I actually know one of the people living there. She's an ex co-worker.
I think she should be glad that she's an ex and not current co-worker.
The last couple of weeks have gone about the same. Clearly more than one person in the house gets every other Friday off because every other Thursday they all go out and party. So at around 2.30am they all show up back at home, loud, drunk and obnoxious. Right outside my bedroom window.
I have to get up at 6.30am to get ready for work. So you can imagine how frustrating it is to be woken up and kept awake for an hour listening to the stupid drunks outside and my dog having a spaz attack.
Yeah.
So here's the deal, neighbours of mine. Last night was strike two. I'm finished. We're not doing this again in two weeks time because I've had quite enough.
If this happens again, I will be calling the cops. Make no mistake, I am not fucking with you. My sleep means more to me than your fun. And you know what? I won't lose a minute of it to feeling bad for doing it either.

I Give A Damn

2010-04-02T07:46:00.002-06:00

GLBT rights issues are something very close to my heart. I give a damn. In fact, I give several million damns. The fact that at this point in our history as a species we still have people who aren't given the same rights and freedoms as everyone else is sickening and despicable.

But we can continue to fight for change and if anything was ever worth the fight, this damn well is.

Drunk And Nerdy*

2010-03-22T09:13:00.004-06:00

I went for supper with my friend Ted last night. Somehow we ended up spending nearly the entire time coming up with some of the best and worst drinks ever created.

The M. Night Shyamalan - A shitty drink, with a twist!

This drink is dedicated to the man and his films.

Jack - The depressing lead of the movie

Grenadine - The "something special" to lift up the lead and give him a little hope

151 - Like M. Night's movies, leaves you confused and wondering what the hell happened (and, if you've just watched one of his movies, you'll wish you were very, very drunk).

Cranberry Juice - The bitterness his movies leave you with.

Served in a Martini glass (chilled or not, it doesn't matter - much like his movies) rimmed with crushed cinnamon hearts (they claim to be cinnamon, but we all know they're not and they leave you with the taste of bile at the back of your throat).

Finished with a twist of lime (Every movie has his trademark twist, so something expected but not as obvious as lemon) - May be substituted with grapefruit if you're not feeling quite bitter enough.

The Adversary - Pronounced "Adver-ser-ee"

This is a drink for Sean Connery. It must be drunk while wearing a kilt and preferably while watching "Hunt for Red October".

Scotch - Obviously

Mike's Hard Cranberry - Something in-your-face, that clearly doesn't belong there

Served with a Jaggerbomb chaser (to get you drunk enough to slur and hyper enough to go head to head with Connery).

Sabotage - Pronounced "Sabo-t-A-ge"

This is a drink for the beloved Captain Kirk. It's a girly drink, designed to bring the ladies, to sneak up on them, knock them on their ass and have them wake up wondering what the hell happened.

Triple filtered vodka - Something easy to hide but strong enough to do some damage

Strawberry juice - A straight up girl drink

Shaved ice - No matter how hot, you're not going to melt this cowboy

Served in a chilled martini glass, rimmed in vanilla sugar with a chocolate drizzle.

The Sabre Tooth

Bacon vodka - Shot

Tabasco

Jalepeno Bacon Salt rim

Bacon Bit garnish

Meat on meat on meat, with a bite.

Substitute the Jalepeno Bacon Salt for Maple Bacon salt and add liquid smoke - You have yourself A Wolverine

The Jubilee

One shot of Blue Bols in a shot glass rimmed with Pop Rocks.

This one it pretty self-explanitory.

The Nightcrawler

Kirschwasser - Shot

Gin - Shot

Served separately, mixed in a glass and then shot.

Must be served under a black light.

The Deadpool

Redbull - Shotgunned

Green apple Sour Puss - Shot

Maple Syrup - Shot

A raw egg (served in a shot glass) - with Tobasco garnish

Red food colouring should be added to the first two shots.

Between each shot the drinker should talk himself out of each shot before doing it anyway.

Finished by punching yourself in the face.

The Bizzarro Superman

This drink is much like a traditional tequila shot.

Salt is licked off the hand followed by a shot of pure lemon juice. A shot of tequila is thrown over your shoulder. Finished by punching the person to your left.

And finally...

The Apocalypse**

This is a line shot.

3 shots - 151

1 shot - Snakebite

2 tumblers - 151

1 tumbler - Hot 100

1 pint - 151

Finished by burning down the bar.

*For the complete set of Star Trek theme drinks - go here.

** Not recommended for human consumption. Ever. For any reason.

I May Have A Problem...

2010-03-20T13:04:00.003-06:00

Good-Bye, Old Friend

2010-03-10T12:16:00.003-06:00

It's been a long time coming and honestly, I don't know why today was the day. But today is the day The Gwenhwyfar Letters died.
There was a time when I needed it. That time has past. I'm a different person than I was when I started it and, frankly, this person doesn't have that kind of energy any more. And I'm good with that.
So thanks to everyone who read it. I'll carry on blogging with the other three I'm still keeping up.

Venting

2010-03-08T23:38:00.002-06:00

I need to vent.

That's not an apology, it's a warning. I'll start by saying that I intend to vent about parenting stuff. No, this isn't about you. This is about me. That would be why I'm writing it on my site.

If that's the start of a post you don't want to read then I recommend watching the Christoph Waltz video. He's hot AND funny.

Now...

Here's the thing - I'm part of the whole "child-free" thing, I guess. Not that "I guess" about how I feel, just that I don't like that it's become a movement and I'm not much on being part of groups. I honestly don't give a shit if you want kids. Actually, your breeding makes another compelling argument for me not to have kids. There is no need for me to do it. The species will carry on without my contribution.

I'm also not much on children. Actually, to be more accurate, I'm not much on the children most people are raising. Shitty parenting makes for shitty kids. I personally know some really awesome kids, but they are unfortunately few and far between.

Now let me explain - it's not just that I'm disinterested. It skeeves me out. Completely.

Pregnant women and babies generally make me immensely uncomfortable. The thought of actively seeking to touch someone's pregnant belly makes me gag. The sound of a baby crying will drive me out of a house. The whole thing makes my skin crawl.

A big part of that is my absolute disgust with hearing the gorey details about other peoples health problems. I have seen pictures of some of the most horrific injuries in the name of research but I seriously don't want to hear about every detail of your last pap smear.

Most people do me (and most of the population) the favour of keeping that kind of shit to themselves or, at least, to only dole it out upon request (which is greatly appreciated, btw).

Somehow tho, pregnancy seems to shut off that all too important internal censor. Suddenly every bodily function is up for general conversation, every medical problem is gossip.

I don't give a shit how far along you are, there is never a time that I need an announcement every time you pee and I will never, ever ask how constipated you are. I also don't ever want to hear the words "contractions" and "dilated" again.

It seems like even the idea of having a baby is enough to make people insane. It's the only time that it seems to be socially acceptable to tell people how much you're having sex. Which, for the record, is also something I am not interested in. Ever.

One more thing - all baby pictures look the same to me. One bald, ugly, tiny human looks pretty much like every other one I've seen. I'll be more interested when they start speaking more, crying less and get their bodily functions under control.

Now, all that said, I'll make you a deal. You keep this nasty shit to yourself or at least away from me and I promise not to start randomly showing you some of the more interesting make-up reference pictures I have in my collection. And take if from the girl who has made a hobby of collecting some of the morbid and disgusting images of what humans are capable of doing to one another, you're getting off easy.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

I Think It's Official

2010-03-08T11:13:00.001-06:00

I love Christoph Waltz. It felt wrong saying that when he was "the Jew Hunter", but he's so deliciously awesome.

This Too Shall Pass

2010-03-02T09:52:00.001-06:00

These guys make the best videos ever.

Where Plenty Of Fans Have Gone Before

2010-02-17T10:15:00.003-06:00

I got an extra day off yesterday and I decided to celebrate my good fortune by spending as much time as possible in my PJs, on my couch, watching Star Trek and generally being a nerd. I managed pretty well, had a super nerdy day and even went out for a bit and picked my self up Bones and Khan bobble heads to go with the Spock my cousin got me for my birthday.
And because all of that just wasn't nerdy enough I thought "I should start a new blog. Three just isn't enough."
So behold - Tea. Earl grey. Hot.
Engage.

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2010-02-12T14:48:00.001-06:00

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See? I'm Not The Only One

2010-02-01T11:08:00.005-06:00

From the guy who brought us the Star Wars Ep. 1 review (if you haven't seen it yet, the whole thing, do it now) comes another Avatar review.

Make 365

2010-01-26T12:19:00.002-06:00

A few people I know have been doing 365 projects, in fact it seems to be the new trend and apparently I missed the memo. Well, I'm all caught up now and I've decided to give it a go. Not because it's a trend and certainly not because everyone else is doing it. I'm doing this because there are lots of things I keep putting off or that get stuck in the planning stages and I need a push. I need some reason to get off my ass and get some work done.
So here we are. Every day for 365 days I plan to make something. Anything, really. Just so long as I make it from scratch. I'm not going to set too many rules for myself (as I tire of rules quickly) apart from not making the exact same thing over and over. I'm not going to set a size or difficulty requirement.
It might be jewelry stuff, it might be baking, it might be sewing or knitting or painting. And I'm going to try to get pictures of everything and link them here when I think of it.
Right now, I'm on day six. You can check out day 1, 3 and 4 on Flickr already. (Day 2 and 5 will be up soon)

Haiti

2010-01-20T12:25:00.002-06:00

I was going to try and avoid the subject entirely, not because I don't care but because it's everywhere I look. Then this morning I read that they've been struck with another earthquake or a powerful aftershock. Whatever you want to call it.
I've been following the news quietly, looking through the pictures and it's heartbreaking. I know that a lot of terms like "heartbreaking" and "tragic" have been tossed around a lot this week, but I can't think of a better word. It really is.
What strikes me most about the whole thing is how torn I am. Half of me is awe struck at how amazingly selfless, giving, and generous people can be. The amount of money that people have given, the time, the man power, it's wonderful. But at the same time The other half of me has never been so completely disgusted with just how selfish, cruel and down right evil people can be. The people who are taking advantage of those in desperate need, using a tragedy to push a political or religious agenda, it's mind boggling and sickening.
My heart goes out to everyone in Haiti and I can only hope that through some work and the help of those good people still left out there, things will improve soon.

Avatar: You Knew This Was Coming, Right?

2010-01-16T08:43:00.003-06:00

Yes, I saw it. Please stop asking. I'll even tell you exactly what I thought of it so I don't have to keep repeating myself because, frankly, it's gotten a bit tiring. I'll even start with what I liked.

It was really pretty and the 3D was amazing.

And now on to everything else. No really, that's about all the good I have to say about this movie. Sorry kids, if you wanted sugar and gumdrops you came to the wrong place.
For a movie that cost $500 million to make and has taken over a billion at the box office, I couldn't help but feeling like the movie is more of a success because of advertising than because it's a good movie. I guess when a director goes over ten years between big projects and gets a budget of $500 million people just automatically assume it's going to be AMAZING.
I'll start with my biggest complaint - I've seen this movie before. It was called Fern Gully, it was also called Pocahontas, it was Dances with Wolves, Braveheart and a book - Call Me Joe. It was a dozen movies I've seen before and who did it better.
As a friend of mine pointed out (and who I agree with, by the way), a movie need not be original to be good. There are hundreds of movies that are rip offs of hundreds of other movies, books, ideas, etc. and they're all really good. But what makes them good it that they took something I've seen before and did it in a way I've never seen before. Star Trek was a really good example of that and if you don't remember how I felt about that movie, I suggest you go reread my review.
But Avatar didn't do that. It didn't make these ideas its own. It just stuck in new characters and changed the name of the planet - TADA! New movie! Right?
Yeah, not so much.
It wouldn't even be so bad if that was my only complaint. Of course, it's not.
When the most believable character in the movie is animated, you have a problem. Neytiri seemed like the only character that actually belonged (even then, it was mostly when she was upset). Every other character was wooden, over the top or bounced between the two. Sigourney Weaver's over the top bitchiness combined with the decision to make her a smoker was just silly. Sam Worthington was so wooden for the first half of the movie they could have just used a cardboard cutout. Michelle Rodriguez was apparently playing Michelle Rodriguez: chopper pilot.
Then there were the bad guys - Gov. Ratcliffe... er... I mean Parker Selfridge played by Giovanni Ribisi (good work on making his name as close to "selfish" as you could, James) and Hexxus... er... Col. Quaritch played by Stephen Lang.
I'm not going to blame these guys entirely for being cast in roles that are so worn out they should be retired to the old roles home because, really, what are you supposed to do with that?
Giovanni was playing the typical corporate, money loving, environment hating, soulless bastard. His mantra throughout the film is "they're only trees and savages are stupid" despite overwhelming evidence. He's arrogant and stupid and about as one dimentional as a character can get.
Stephen got the wholly original role (where's that sarcasm punctuation when I need it) as the cartoonishly over the top bad guy with a gun. His motto is "shoot first, second, third... don't bother with questions". He's laughable to say the least and so unbelievable that it's hard to feel like he's a genuine threat.
All of this is compounded by some serious holes and leaps you're supposed to make. Jake mentions only once that on earth there's nothing green left but we've never been shown the earth he's from. We also have to assume that the humans aren't there to colonize the planet, what with it having air that will kill you if everything else on the planet doesn't kill you first. So they're just there for some substance James Cameron only thought to really mention once? And then what? They go back to their own dying world? What's the plan here? Are people really that stupid in the future? We haven't learned anything?
It's only mentioned that Jake's brother was a scientist and the one who was meant for the mission but he was killed off before he could leave. "For the paper in his wallet". So he was mugged? And an organization with that much money on the line decided to take an untrained, uneducated meat-head and put him in his place? And they didn't think a little training before hand would be, I dunno, a good idea? Uh huh.
But it all works out alright because Grandmother Willow... um... Eywa says he's cool.
*Sigh*
Like I said, the movie is really pretty but everything else left me wondering how, exactly, James Cameron is still getting work. Even the prettiness got a bit mind numbing after a while, and not in a good way. As amazing as the animation was, when combined with real actors it still looked clownish and out of place. It was like spending two hours trapped in a technicolor acid trip nightmare. Pandora at night was so silly it was like "Las Vegas: the rain forest".
I don't know, maybe I've just gotten that jaded but this movie was a major disappointment and I say that as someone who wasn't expecting much.

Julia

2010-01-04T10:34:00.003-06:00

There have always been women I've looked up to, admired and respected. They haven't changed much over the years because, I like to think, I've made some good choices. They're strong women who made it because they deserved it, not because anyone ever handed it to them. They're the kind of women we need more of.

Julia Child has been one of those women for a long time.

I like to cook, I always have and I love to bake. I'm perfectly happy to spend all day working on one project while friends and family shake their heads and wonder. I love kneading bread by hand or spending two days making perfect cinnamon buns. I find something special in cookies that are all just a little different. I find an amazing comfort in the smell of freshly baked pie. And when I found this bliss, I found Julia.

When I'm at a loss for what to do, when things blow up in my face, when I'm trying to get the goddamned waxed paper to curl in to a proper piping bag for the thirtieth time, I turn to Julia. She doesn't always hold the answer or fix everything but she does make me feel like it's okay to fail. For me, that's a BIG thing.

I know that Julia isn't the best chef to have ever taken up the ladle and whisk and I think that's part of why I love her. She was fallible and readily admitted it. I've watched hours and hours of her show and it always makes me feel so much better about my efforts. I don't get that feeling from any other cooking show. They're all so perfect and clean cut, everything works out right every single time. How is that supposed to help?

Julia routinely had things go wrong, and you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. She took the opportunity to show you how to save the day, to salvage the wreck or at worst, to just carry on because sometimes shit happens.

But you want to know one of the biggest reasons I love Julia as much as I do?

She was 32 when she started cooking.

I often panic that I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I went to school and I love doing fx make-up but I know it will never be what I "do". There's nothing I can really point to and say "I want to be THAT forever and ever". I worry about reaching lots of life's milestones and I often feel like I'm so far behind that I'll never catch up.

Julia gives me hope.

I know it was never her intention and I know it's more in my head than anything. But I'm okay with that.

"Upon reflection, I decided I had three main weaknesses: I was confused (evidenced by a lack of facts, an inability to coordinate my thoughts, and an inability to verbalize my ideas); I had a lack of confidence, which cause me to back down from forcefully stated positions; and I was overly emotional at the expense of careful, 'scientific' though. I was thirty-seven years old and still discovering who I was." - Julia Child (1912 - 2004)

Obligatory?

2009-12-31T16:03:00.002-06:00

Has the "end of the year" post become an obligation? Is it my duty as a blogger to write something to sum up the last year? If so, does that really mean I give a shit?
Oh well. I'll do one anyway.

2009: a year in points

- I worried, a lot. I was also sick, a lot. I'm positive that those two things had NOTHING to do with each other.

- I started working at a new library and quit the old one (despite popular opinion that I would be there forever).

- I made it past the quarter of a century mark without too much trouble. I did not have a nervous breakdown, cry or any other "you're 25 now" cliches. In fact, I think I cared about it less than anyone.

- I completed my second short film, this time - Zombies. It was awesome and I am still grateful to everyone who helped out.

- I made some new and seriously awesome friends and walked away from some seriously not-awesome friends.

- I ended up in the hospital, which I wouldn't recommend for fun.

- I got myself a new puppy. Her name is Frankie, BTW.

- I went to Boston to hang out with two of the awesomest people I'm lucky enough to know.

All in all it was a year I probably wouldn't willingly chose to live over again, but it had its good points. Thanks to everyone who was there to make the good stuff awesome and the shittiness stuff I could live through.
See you all next year.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Good To Know

2009-12-23T13:02:00.001-06:00

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

So, How Was Your Monday?

2009-12-22T09:00:00.002-06:00

Chances are it was better than mine.

Sunday I was fine. Paul came over for supper and we hung out for a while. I played with the new puppy and everything was great. My room is a mess and kind of intense for new pets so I decided to close the doors and sleep in the living room with the cats and the puppy. (It certainly isn't unusual for me to sleep on the couch.)

At about 1.45am I woke up with what I thought was stitch in my side. I spent about 20 minutes trying to stretch it out but instead of getting better it got worse. Within an hour I was struggling to get a breath at all. It felt like someone was crushing my ribs.

Here's a Pro Tip - Panicking makes breathing really difficult and when you're panicking because you can't breathe, it makes things worse.

So at about 2.45am I called my mom who came over to see if there was anything she could do. There wasn't.

This is probably the point at which I should mention that I have a MAJOR hospital phobia. I have broken and set bones myself rather than go to the hospital. So when I heard myself saying "we need to go to the hospital", it dawned on me just how serious it was getting.

Another thing I learned - When you show up at the hospital gasping for breath, they don't make you wait. I got a room in record time and had more tubes and things stuck in and to me than the Borg. I got intimately acquainted with both Morphine and Gravol, both of which made me incredibly groggy and neither of which made it any easier to breathe or less painful.

After a lot of drugs, more questions than I've ever been asked in my life, a CT scan, giving enough blood to cover any possible test and eating an icebergs worth of ice chips (which I had to BEG for from the first doctor and then was given as many as I wanted by the second) they decided that it wasn't any of the more horrible of possibilities.

No blood clot, no heart attack, nothing that needed surgery. It is, in fact pneumonia. It's not usual for it to come on so suddenly or severely but I guess I'm just lucky.

They loaded me up with antibiotics and gave some prescriptions. I even got some food, which I managed to keep down for almost an hour. Then I finally got to go home.

All things considered, it was a pretty shitty day. Today I'm feeling a bit better, still hurting everywhere and breathing is a luxury I promise never to take for granted again. But I'm better than yesterday.

So if anyone needs me, I'll be at home, being sick and hanging with the cats and the puppy.

PUPPY!!!

2009-12-20T22:22:00.002-06:00

Everyone, I would like you all to meet my new little girl. So far, she remains nameless but we're going to work on that one tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

I'm Here To Entertain AND Educate

2009-12-19T14:04:00.003-06:00

Here are some fun facts for you, the drooling masses. Enjoy.

- Scientists estimate that sleep lost due to daylight saving time reduces the average lifespan by nearly two full months.

- Wind-mills always turn counter-clockwise. Except the ones in England.

- It is physically impossible to urinate and give blood at the same time.

- The western lowland gorilla's scientific name is 'Gorilla gorilla gorilla.'*

- Oranges, lemons, watermelons, and tomatoes are berries.

- Worms reportedly taste like bacon.

- 49% of Americans don't know that white bread is made from wheat.

- Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

- Moths are unable to fly during an earthquake.

- 90% of women who walk into a department store turn to the right.

- Animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike.

- Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

- The day after George W. Bush was reelected, Canada's main immigration website had 115,000 visitors. There were only 20,000 before.

- For every person on earth, there are an estimated 200 million insects.

- Kevin Spacey's older brother is a professional Rod Stewart impersonator.

- Americans take an average of ten days off per year for vacation. In France, the law guarantees everyone five weeks of vacation.

Don't worry, there are plenty more where those came from. There is almost no end to the stupid, weird and useless facts about the most trivial, ridiculous bullshit out there.

*edit: thanks for catching that, J.

Only 320 Days Left

2009-12-13T22:56:00.002-06:00

I take halloween seriously. Maybe a little more seriously than most people. Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It also means that I usually have my halloween costume all planned out almost a year in advance, along with several other people's (being a make-up artist has its perks).

Since I'm bored and not really in the mood to post anything too serious, here are some ideas I've come up with so far.

- Queen of Hearts (my friend and I went as Sweeny and Mrs. Lovett this year and there was talk of doing Hatter and QoH next year)

- Army Man (which would be wicked awesome if I could find a couple more people so we could have one of each pose)

- Knights of the round table (of the Monty Python variety, complete with "coconut shell" horse/personal assistant)

- House Frau (I think everyone I know would die of shock if I actually did this)

- A Lichtenstein

That's all I have for now (aside for some vague ideas about spending the next couple of years going as different Python sketches) but I'm taking ideas.

So much planning to do....

X-Lessons

2009-12-07T12:12:00.004-06:00

A couple months ago I bought Vol. 1 of X-Men: The Animated Series. It's one of those things I love because I grew up watching it. I used to get up early on Saturday morning just to watch it. I bought the comics. I know all the characters. So I was excited to be able to watch them again.

Last week I bought some more and since I've got myself a cold again, I've been doing little else but watching through them all.

While I was watching them (really for the first time in years) I started noticing all the little things that had never really occurred to me before.

- Scott Summers is an even bigger asshole than I remember. I never liked Cyclops, he always struck be as a jerk-bag but there were way too many times I wanted to punch him. Why the fuck is Jean even with him? Hell, Logan is a fucking pushover compared to Scott.

- I know Jubilee was meant to be the character the "younger audience" was supposed to think was cool and someone for them to relate to, but Jesus Christ on a cracker that girl is the most annoying moron in the whole line-up of Marvel characters. Her role seems to be less "being cool and relatable" and more "fucking up everything with her raging stupidity and general fuck-wittery".

- I had completely forgotten just how "late 80s/early 90s" the look of the show was. Mostly because when I was watching the show last it was the late 80s/early 90s.

- X-Men should never have done a Christmas special. It is, hands down, the lamest episode ever. I have never seen a christmas special of any show that I liked but this was absolutely bottom of the barrel.

- I do love Nightcrawler but his over the top christian preachiness made me want to puke. The fact that they had Logan kneeling in a church praying after his chat with Kurt was almost more than I could handle. What the fuck was up with that? Thanks for pushing your hardcore religious agenda on a children's show (and the right-wingers are worried about the "subliminal subversive messages" in other shows?).

- For as much as I really do love the show, it is really funny seeing just how watered down a lot of it is. I know it's because it's a kid show meant for Saturday morning viewing but hearing Wolverine coming out with classic lines like "Stop the philosophy, let's go kick his butt!", "What are you doing with her, you pile of dog puke?" and "It's adamantium tasting time, boys!" (I think we can all be thankful that didn't become his catchphrase) is just kind of sad.

- Not just for X-Men, but can all animated shows PLEASE stop creating Scottish characters (or any character with am accent) unless you are willing to either find someone who HAS an accent or can pull one off successfully. I don't know why the Scots get hit so hard in this category, but sweet Jebus... that shitty voice is making me jealous of the deaf.

I feel like at this point I need to reiterate that I do love the show. Like most things tho, that doesn't mean that I don't have plenty to complain about or make fun of.

The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody

2009-11-25T15:36:00.001-06:00

As per usual, Beaker made me laugh harder than anyone.

Things I've Learned

2009-11-23T11:37:00.002-06:00

- Robin is much tinier than me. I feel like a giant.

- Erik and I have way too much in common. It's a little creepy actually. And yet we haven't been driving each other insane. Weird.

- Traffic in Boston doesn't seem to bother me at all. I'm attributing this to having lived on the cost for a while. I got used to people honking, screaming and trying to kill everyone else on the road.

- The coast here reminds me A LOT of Nova Scotia and Newfoundland.

- Erik and I are really good at teaming up to tease Robin. I'm surprised she hasn't snapped and killed us both yet.

- My body is not designed for hills. I was born and raised in the prairies, anything other than perfectly level ground makes my everything angry.

- Either Robin and Erik need to move to Canada or I need to move to Boston. Regardless, at the moment we are living entirely too far away from each other.

Lazy Day

2009-11-23T11:07:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't posted much over the last couple of days. That's mostly because we've been running around doing stuff and having a good time and partly because I don't really know what to say. It's been a really super awesome trip. I don't think I've laughed so much in forever and we've seen some really cool shit.

When I booked the trip and right up to the day before I left I wasn't worried at all. I honestly didn't even really think about it much. The day I left tho, I did have a brief moment of panic. I couldn't help but worry that things would go horribly, horribly wrong or that it would be terribly awkward.

I shouldn't have worried. More than anything I've been shocked at how not awkward it is. I'm constantly amazed by how much it's like hanging out with any of my friends at home that I've known for years. I love that I have friends I can meet in person for the first time and it's like they've always been there. Robin was even kind enough to point out that I'm already blending in nicely... like a part of the furniture. She's sweet like that.

Yesterday we went out to Cape Ann and I've decided I really need to buy one of the very tiny old houses up there and set up shop selling weird shit, Robin's photos and Erik's stuff. We'll all live happily ever after and I will be remembered forever for my delightfully excentric behaviour.

That or they would get really incredibly sick of me after about a week and spend the rest of their lives cursing ever inviting me out here.

Worth The Price Of A Ticket

2009-11-20T21:25:00.003-06:00

So, for anyone who hasn't been paying attention at all this last month - I'm in Boston visiting Robin. I've only been here a day but it's already been totally worth the price of getting here. Robin herself made the whole trip.

"How?" I hear you ask.

She was having trouble with her Facebook today. For some unknown reason it keeps changing to spanish. Her response to the whole thing was priceless...

"See? It keeps switching to spanish! Why does it keep doing that? I wonder if I type if it will be spanish?"

...

We may or may not have laughed very hard at her.

But she's cute, so it's okay.

Odds

2009-11-15T23:11:00.002-06:00

And in other news, I bought new shoes! Yay! (no, I am not one of those "shoe freak" girls. The only three pairs of shoes I own are falling apart. It's just time, that's all.)

The Very Special Kind

2009-11-15T23:10:00.000-06:00

Romantic? Really?

2009-11-12T12:07:00.004-06:00

It really doesn't ever cease to amaze me what people label "romantic" when it comes to movies, TV and music. Somehow things that we would all find really creepy in real life become the most romantic thing ever when portrayed by some big name celebrity.

Need examples? Okay...

Phantom of the Opera - I was asked my opinion on this the other day and I responded that aside from my limited tolerance for people singing about EVERYTHING, I'm not a big fan. See, murdering stalkers who are given to rape and kidnapping aren't really my type. I'm weird like that.

Enrique Iglesias "Escape" - "You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love" Really? Huh. I could have sworn that was called stalking and I'm pretty sure it's illegal.

Twilight - Oh, don't look at me like that. You knew it would come up. The guy watches her while she sleeps and gets angry when she sees people he doesn't like, just for starters. He's a stalker and a douche of a boyfriend. In real life this shit is NOT ROMANTIC. It's abusive. And the chick is such a classic victim it makes me want to vomit blood. Young women should NOT think that this shit is a good thing! This is shit they teach you in recovering from abuse that you should see as a red flag. It actually concerns the shit out of me that Stephanie Meyer is sending this message to girls and apparently believes it's okay.

James Bond (every movie) - Long live the god of "No means yes and more no means 'kiss me'." I actually like James Bond but the way he treats women has always annoyed the shit out of me. Kirk has this same problem in Star Trek, the idea that women really just want to be bossed around and treated like sex toys. That when we say no, a good smack and forcing a kiss will make us understand that the man was right all along. Again, not romantic. Abusive, yes. Sexual harassment, yes. Total dickwadish, absolutely. Romantic, not even a little.

Aerosmith "I don't wanna miss a thing" - This would be really sweet and romantic if it weren't so incredibly creepy. These are about the clingiest, neediest, obsessive lyrics ever written. If you had a boyfriend this insane you'd be trying to get a restraining order.

Say Anything - Calling someone 8 times in a row and showing up at their house with a boombox to serenade them? Intensely creepy. John Cusack is the only person who should ever, ever, ever attempt this maneuver.

The Police "I'll be watching you" - I almost didn't include this because it's actually a song about a stalker. Then someone reminded me that there are still people who use this song for wedding first dances and other applications that would seem to imply they have no idea that this shit is wrong. Once more people, say it with me - STALKING IS NOT ROMANTIC. Which is why there are so many celebrities who get restraining orders and there are anti-stalking laws.

I know there are lots more examples. These are only a few. Feel free to leave more in the comments. For now, I'm sick and tired and hungry so that's all I've got.

See What Being Sick Does To Me?

2009-11-11T21:30:00.002-06:00

I don't know what it is but being sick and geeking out seem to go hand in hand with me. The last time I was really sick I watched the entire animated Star Trek, this time I'm watching the movies (the original series movies anyway). I'm blaming this partly on the fact that I leave for Boston in a week and I will likely have to go a whole five days without any Trek at all.

What does all this mean? It means you get another nerd post*. Feel free to ignore it, read the archives or something, listen to the old episodes of Off Topic. Whatever you like.

- I always love that Khan tells Chekov that he never forgets a face since Chekov didn't even show up until the second season. Part of me can't help but taking some sick pleasure in noting the error and part of me likes to think that Chekov was always there, just not on the bridge (the rest of me is just incredibly sad for those two parts).

- Can someone please tell me why in the hell Scotty would carry his dying nephew to the goddamned bridge rather than sick bay, please? That bugs the shit out of me every time. McCoy isn't even hanging out on the bridge at that point and since they were under attack it's safe to assume that he was trying to help the fucking wounded.

- I love Khan, a lot. Really I do. Ricardo Montalban is wicked hot and Khan is an awesome character. But... I'm still not exactly clear on how Khan figures that all this was Kirk's fault (and believe me, I'm the first one to call Kirk on his fuck-ups of which there are many). He talks about being exiled to Ceti Alpha V, but really he was given an opportunity to colonize the planet. Kirk didn't blow up Ceti Alpha VI, dude and it's more of a Star Fleet fuck-up that no one came to check up on you guys (or notice that Ceti Alpha VI had BLOWN THE FUCK UP).

- Kirstie Alley is the WORST VULCAN EVER. Honestly, if it weren't for Khan's incredible awesomeness she would have ruined the whole fucking movie.

- Tho I'm never surprised to make note of it, it should be mentioned that Kirk pops his collar like the douche we all figured he was.

- What is up with the engineering uniforms? Those are THE ugliest, most ridiculous uniform ever.

*Yeah, I know, it's all been said before and I'm only talking about Wrath of Khan. You don't like it? Get your own blog.

Yet Another Warning

2009-11-09T10:46:00.002-06:00

It's 10 days until Boston today, so you get another post about... dun dun DAAAAAAAAAAA.... my trip to Boston. I'll wait a moment while you recover from the shock.

This post is a warning, because I feel one should be given.

I am really not good at being emotional. Aside from anger which had been deemed an acceptable "feeling" by the Germans at some point. Most other things are kept pretty much under wraps. Feelings are something to be feared and ashamed of, something to shove way down deep inside away from the light of day where they can fester and rot until one day they explode and you invade another country and start a major war.

What can I say? I didn't inherit a lot from the German side, but what I did get is generally frustrating.

Why am I warning you about this? Because I've had people tell me in the past that they weren't sure how to read me or that they were disappointed when I under-reacted to something. So I'm telling you now, for the most part my reaction is only a fraction of what's going on in my head. I'm just rubbish at being excited. My family, I am sure, can attest to that from every christmas/birthday/whatever that I've ever had.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by the letters Q, X and N and by the number 8.

Two. Weeks. Bitches.

2009-11-05T23:21:00.003-06:00

Holy shit, I cannot believe it's only two weeks until I leave for Boston. I'm actually having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I'm going at all. It all seems so... unreal. I have a feeling it's probably going to continue to feel that way until I'm on the plane and on my way.

This week I'm going to get my passport so they'll actually let me out of the country. I need to start thinking about what all I need to take and what isn't necessary (for example, toiletries tend to be such a fucking hassle, I might just pick some up when I get there). I also need to contact the airline and check what restrictions there are and if there's anything I need to know before I get there. I'm really hoping to get through all this with a minimum trouble.

Finally, I need to have a plan for keeping myself entertained during my stops. I have two stops there (a total of about 5 hours) and one on the way back (for about three hours) which gives me plenty of time to be bored to death and not enough time to actually do anything interesting. I'll have my laptop, so how about we all cross our fingers and hope for merciful WiFi Gods.

One other thing, I will be in Boston over a Sunday which means we'll actually be doing Off Topic while in the same place. It's should be a ridiculous show, so be sure to tune in for that show if nothing else.

Remember, Remember...

2009-11-05T23:14:00.003-06:00

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,

The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,

I know of no reason

Why the Gunpowder Treason

Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent

To blow up the King and Parli'ment.

Three-score barrels of powder below

To prove old England's overthrow;

By God's providence he was catch'd (or by God's mercy*)

With a dark lantern and burning match.

Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring. (Holla*)

Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!

And what should we do with him? Burn him!

Rice Cooker Pro Tip

2009-11-04T19:36:00.002-06:00

This light means "You haven't actually turned the rice cooker on"

This light means "It's on and the rice is cooking".

Learn the difference. It will save you an hour and a lot of cursing.

Why Do I Love Tim Curry?

2009-11-01T20:36:00.002-06:00

What's not to love? Now stop asking such stupid questions.

Apparently I Suck At Posting...

2009-10-31T12:42:00.003-06:00

It's been almost a week. I know. I'm a terrible, terrible person. I'm sorry. But I'll try to make it up to you by recapping this last week.
Sunday, as I'm sure you're all aware was Flogging Molly Day, which will go down in history as a day made of awesome. Even with all the crap that wasn't so awesome, it still makes the awesome list which almost makes me happy for the crap because at full awesomeness capacity, I probably would have just dropped dead.
The drive up was, well, a drive through the prairie. I was sorry that I forgot my camera tho and I didn't manage to get lost or anything. I also managed to avoid any wildlife around the highway, for which I am endlessly grateful.
Then there was Blue. She started off on the right foot with her perfect call timing. Google maps, as per usual, had given me some seriously stupid directions and I had just dug out my cell phone to call her to ask where in the bloody hell I was meant to go when it rang. Between her and her unfortunately mute husband we managed to get my car and myself there in one piece.
From there I met her kids (one of whom informed me that he can "jump as far as a ninja" and owns an axe specifically for killing zombies - guess who was my favourite), her dogs (both of whom are lovely but unfortunately either too big or too squirmy to steal without being noticed) and her cat (who is not nearly as scary as advertised). Blue, for the record, is not a serial killer which I was a little disappointed to discover.
After a little bit of a directional mishap, some incredibly dusty gas station candy and picking up food we made it to the show on time. The crowd outside was about what I expected, a good mix of people with a generous helping of the "too cool"/"asshole" crowd. When the doors opened and booze was added to the mix they became a pretty standard concert audience (especially for any band connected in any way with Ireland... gotta love the wanna-be Irish).
Neither Blue nor I drink so we spent a fair amount of time shoving drunks away from us and threatening physical violence on the next guy to put his arm around us. We also made friends with a couple of guys who assured us that not all guys are drunken losers and then started keeping score, guys vs. girls, for who was the worst behaved (I'm ashamed to admit it was called a tie by the end).
Flogging Molly was, as you may have guessed, ten shades of awesome. They put on a really good show and I was absolutely, pants-wettingly, excited to find that they sound almost better live than they do recorded (I fucking hate any band that sounds shit live). Super high energy with just the right amount of between song chatting and guinness drinking. I also bought myself some swag including a new jacket (which I've been wearing pretty much constantly since I got my hands on it).
And finally the crap, because you knew I wouldn't skip it.
Like I've said, the drunks were out in full force and while some of them were amusing to be worth it others were decidedly not. If I live to be a thousand I will never understand people who get slobbering drunk before the band even hits the stage nor will I understand people who feel the need to act like fucking assholes at a crowded venue. (For the record, I've been to lots of metal shows and I still think that moshing is fucking stupid. Moshing at FM is even worse. Stop acting like such a motherfucking douche bag.)
I ended up having to leave really, painfully early which blew goats. I had gotten a call from a friend of mine informing me that after a trip down to the states her boyfriend (another good friend of mine) had been denied entry back in to the country and might be deported without so much as a chance to come and pick up his things. I drove home early in case she needed me to come with her down to the border to talk to immigration as she was more than a little wound up and hadn't slept. It wasn't until I'd left the city that my mother called to remind me that I was meant to be teaching a class that afternoon... so no trip, but still a shit ton to do.
And on top of it all, the tooth that had been giving me trouble for a while had gotten worse. A two week migraine, more painkillers than any one person should ever take and a desperate to the dentist later and I'm now short one tooth. I'd complain, but at least my head doesn't hurt anymore.
Oh and in there somewhere was a trip to get a replacement birth certificate (for which they charge me a bloody fortune), a stop at the passport office (directly after the dentist - FUN!) where they informed me that I would need a different guarantor, a trip across town and back, another hour waiting to file my application and catching a cold.
So here we are. A week later. Fun stuff. I'll tell you all about the opening bands another day. They deserve their own post.

Flogging Molly Day!

2009-10-25T13:04:00.002-06:00

In a little while I'm leaving to drive to Saskatoon. Why Saskatoon? Because that, my friends, is where I will get to see two very awesome things.
Bluepaintred AND Flogging Molly.
My head might explode from the sheer awesome. I'll report more on that later.

What Robin Is In Store For (And Also Manly Man)

2009-10-22T12:34:00.003-06:00

Why yes, I do intend to just keep stealing posts from Robin.

- Realizing I really do curse that much and it gets more creative the more annoyed I am.

- Listening to me try to convince you to move to Canada as much and as often as humanly possible.

- Learning that I am the most indecisive person on the planet. Just make the decision for me, woman!

- Hearing me say "that's dirty" on a fairly regular basis.

- Having me ask a lot of stupid questions.

- My burping

and much, much more!
Excited yet?

Perfect...

2009-10-22T09:56:00.003-06:00

I don't know how it works in other countries (I'm sure 5 minutes on Wikipedia would clear up that problem) but in Canada at least, you're not actually required to have a birth certificate. I mean, they have you on record somewhere, but to have a physical copy for yourself is in no way required. So my parents, being my parents, decided "why bother?" and I went about 20 years blissfully unaware that I didn't actually have one. Until it came up that I needed it for some application or something.
I got one, no problem. Put it in my wallet and kind of forgot about it unless it was needed to prove to someone that I don't actually have a middle name (why would I lie about that?). Gradually I stopped carrying my wallet but left a few things in there that I figured I didn't need to carry around all the time, you know, like my birth certificate.
Fast forward to two days ago. I printed off the passport application forms so the US will know I'm not a terrorist plotting to bring them down from within (suckers) and behold! I need my birth certificate so Canada, who is apparently forgetful and not very observant, will know that I am me and that I was born and raised in this wonderful land of hockey and beer.
My birth certificate, you'll remember, is in my wallet. My wallet is always on the table next to the TV by the coat rack. So imagine my surprise to find that now that I actually need the fucking thing, it's gone.
Gone where?
I have no idea. I have torn my house apart, twice. It's no where to be found.
What. The. Fuck.
Luckily, after talking to a surprisingly helpful and chipper woman from Stats Can. or where ever the fuck she was from, it turns out for a few bucks more I can get a replacement same day.
I'm blaming this all on you, America, for making me get a passport to begin with. Don't think we won't be having a chat about this when I get there.

In Person?

2009-10-21T09:48:00.002-06:00

Some in-person things you should know about me in case you ever meet me.

- As much as I'm not really a "touchy" person, I hug my friends all the time. It's just how we say hello and good-bye and whatever else needs to be said with hugs.

- I talk a lot. I know I do. I talk more and faster when I'm nervous or excited. Be afraid, be very afraid.

- I am prone to giggle fits, it's some kind of genetic flaw. This gets worse when I'm nervous or excited. (Seriously, all the women in my family have this problem.) This means that something stupid will set me off laughing and I can't stop. It's weird. I know.

- Yes, I am this sarcastic all the time.

- I often make an ass of myself and I stick my foot in my mouth so often it would be easier to say that occasionally I take my foot out of my mouth.

If you're wondering why I'm telling you all this, you obviously need to pay more attention to Robin's blog because I really did just rip off her post. Also, I'm going to Boston to visit Robin and Manly Man! Yay! And we're going to see the new Kevin movie! More YAY!
This, my friends, is going to be epic.

Fact.

2009-10-13T10:14:00.002-06:00

Indulge Me For A Minute

2009-10-11T13:26:00.001-06:00

I've been sick the last few days and I'm doing what I usually do when I'm sick. I'm watching Star Trek. Season three was still sitting on the coffee table so, rather than walking to the other room, I started with it.
Now for those of you not aware of it, season three is well known as the most over-the-top season made (which is really saying something). I guess that's what happens when you know your days are numbered. Why not just say "fuck it!"? And so, episodes like "Spectre of the Gun" and "The way to Eden" were born.
In a season full of WTF moments picking out just one episode and naming it the best (or worst, depending on how you're judging them) is a difficult task. More often than not the prize is awarded to "Spock's Brain". Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to disagree completely but I just think that "Spock's Brain" is a knee jerk reaction and one I understand. It's bad.
But honestly, in a season complete with space hippies, Chekov and several other men screaming like little girls, a gun fight at the OK Corral (shitty scenery explained by aliens rudimentary knowledge of the time period... riiiiiiight), Kirk being mistaken for a native american (alien civilization) god, Kirk swapping bodies with his ex and acting like a bitchy old queen, is it really so much worse?
As I said, I've been watching the whole season yet again and I defy anyone to watch "Spock's Brain" and "Plato's Stepchildren" back to back and tell me that "Plato" isn't worse.
This scene alone puts it miles ahead of the competition.

Sick Today

2009-10-10T20:53:00.003-06:00

I felt like posting something but not enough to be creative. Sorry. I'll post again when I feel less like shit.

One Of Those Weeks

2009-10-05T15:46:00.002-06:00

You ever have one of those weeks where you can't seem to decide wether you're up or down? Where one minute everything is wine and roses and the next you just want the whole world to go away? Yeah, kinda like that. The last week has been something of a gong show.

In and amongst the peaks and valleys I got sick, did the zombie walk, got pulled over by the cops, went to my friends birthday, hung out with a friend I haven't seen in way too long, had a stranger let himself in to my house, had my make-up win a contest, got in to a fight and realized that I may have been overestimating some people in my life while underestimating others which has left me feeling incredibly disappointed and amazed all at once.

Maybe I'm just lame, but personally I like things to be a little more even. If the peaks and valleys are separated a little more they're easier to take. When they start jumping up and down that quickly it kind of makes me feel sick.

No, Not Like Big Bang Theory

2009-09-26T20:41:00.002-06:00

Imagine if Dawn of the Dead had a love-child with Revenge of the Nerds. That would kind of be like what just walked in to the theatre. All was quiet between shows when suddenly I was surrounded. Honestly, I didn't think that nerds like this existed any more. It's kind of like spotting a rare species of butterfly.

If that rare species happened to have a raging acne problem, BO and no social skills.

I feel like I should be documenting this for science. I wish there was a way I could film them without their knowing. Or even snap a few pictures. But, like a timid heard of deer, I'm afraid they would notice and scatter. After all, every nerd worth his weight can spot a cell phone camera from 100 paces.

First I might need to come up with a good name for a group of nerds. Swarm? Heard? Gaggle?

After years of working here I've learned to spot people who are here for the show and who's just here for the bathroom. These guys threw me a bit. They came in all at once and stood there, just inside the security gates, completely ignoring me. They weren't moving for the desk and no one was running for the can. They just stood there, nerding up the place.

Amongst them were some of the most classic examples of nerdery. It was like they pulled their looks from the Encyclopedia Nerdannica.

They had the classic "Acne Nerd" with his black T, fleece coat and ill fitting jeans. His conversation was mostly filled with criticisms of a french film he'd seen recently (actually, he complained mainly about its title) and talked rather too loudly about being a computer science student and not having a student card because it would mean leaving his house. No, I am not making that up.

Next was the "Awkward Nerd". You know the guy. The one who has always and will always be complete oblivious to fashion trends, hairstyles beyond whatever is cheapest at Supercuts and still wearing the same style of glasses he's had since he was eight. This one was decked out in his finest tan slacks (rolled up to MAKE them flood pants), slip on brown loafers and a red shirt that fitted like he bought it thirty pounds ago. It went well with his attempt at sideburns.

Joining them was "Sweatpants Nerd". Like so many of this breed, he came in the shape of an eerily pale 20-something. With his Reboks that have never run and his matching t-shirt/sweatpant combo and his windbreaker straight out of the 1995 Sears Catalogue, he's ready for a night on the town. If you're imagining him with a nasally voice and an inability to get through a complete sentence without pausing for an awkward gasp of breath, you're spot on.

Their ranks were filled out with "Tubby Nerd" with his "I PWN N00BS" physique and the cargo shorts/sandals combo in weather that any reasonably intelligent person would get out the long pants for (along with the required bunnyhug), "Skinny Nerd" looking a bit too much like a badly designed bird with glasses and obligatory obscure reference t-shirt, "Socially Handicapped Nerd" who seems to go out of his way to be as obnoxious as humanly possible, perpetually standing where ever he shouldn't be, saying whatever he shouldn't say and just generally being someone you'd chew your left arm off to avoid and finally "YouTube Commenter Nerd" otherwise known as "FIRST!" on every message board ever created online, perpetually pointing out "obvious photoshop" and talking like an expert on every subject known to man because he's read it all on Wikipedia.

They're milling slowly started to move toward the desk. I hoped they would buy their tickets and sit out on the bench until the first show was over, but of course, they didn't. They stopped directly in front of my desk and blocked the entrance to the theatre and the mens room all in one amazing move. Slowly they began to drift, still chatting until they were pacing around my desk in circles. It was like some kind of horrible nerdy-go-round.

I felt like I was being hunted. It reminded me of the scene with the raptors in Jurassic Park.

They all arrive almost 30 minutes before the movie started and this all went on for 20 minutes before they finally bought any tickets.

Meanwhile, the projectionist just laughed.

"You seem to attract them."

I guess we all have our cross to bear.

And Now For Some Encouragement

2009-09-19T23:51:00.003-06:00

Yahtzee Likes It. See I'm Not Crazy!

2009-09-17T20:26:00.001-06:00

Ok.... so that doesn't really prove anything, but it does make me feel better.

Arkham Asylum: Lock Me Up And Throw Away The Key

2009-09-12T22:34:00.004-06:00

Games for me are divided in to three camps. 1) Games I play once or twice, never finish and don't really enjoy 2) games I play forever, never really getting to the end because I'm just picking away (but enjoying anyway) 3) and games I can't put away, play right through in one sitting, play again and again, talk about at length until everyone within a 20 mile radius signs a petition in an attempt to get me to shut up about the fucking thing already. Camp 1 has been displaying a "no vacancy" sign for years already but new titles keep showing up and demanding entrance while Camp 3 has always had shitloads of room for its very few occupants.

Well, after a long dry spell I have a new favourite game.

Mondays are my day off. I usually reserve them for doing a whole lot of nothing. Nothing important anyway. It's my day to sleep late, do a bit of shopping, make a dent in any personal projects. That sort of thing. Last Monday I woke up with a plan to play Arkham Asylum for an hour or two, get dressed and get a few things scratched off my list. That was at about 10am.

I got dressed at 9pm. After I finished the game and only because I had plans to go to a movie with my brother.

The game is awesome. I don't think I could have asked for more out of a Batman game. Or any other game for that matter.

Kevin Conroy has always been my favourite Batman voice. Maybe because (other than Adam West) he has been the Batman I've known the longest so I was giddy when Batman opened his mouth for the first time and it was him. I was equally giddy when I hear Mark Hamill's now perfectly familiar Joker joining him. Mark Hamill being, much like Kevin Conroy, forever ingrained in my brain as being Mr. J jumping effortlessly from manic insanity to menacing psycho in less than a beat.

The supporting cast was no less amazing. An army of bad guys, a ton of references, the game is littered with little gems. The only one I really want to mention (just because I really do love her so) is Harley. What would a game with Joker be without Harley Quinn to back him up? Arleen Sorkin's airheaded, drawling, obsessive, psychopathic, hopeless Harley is what made me love the character in the first place. Oh and she's got a new look... goddamn, no one pulls off that look like dearly devoted Harley.

The game itself is fantastic. The game play is awesome and engaging. The story line opens it up to so much. Batman stuck on Arkham Island with every crazy and criminal lose and out to get him. What's not to love?

One of my biggest complaints with some of the games I've been playing is the controls. I don't think every game should be pong-esque in control simplicity but lately it seems like game designers have nothing better to do with their time than to make the controls for every game as complicated as humanly possible. I'm all for options and cool shit but I shouldn't need a magic decoder ring to figure out the diagram explaining the controller set-up. Arkham does really well at giving you lots of cool shit to play with and still keeping everything manageable.

The overall look of the game is really spectacular. Everything is Batman from top to bottom. It captures that universe so well and dumps you in the middle of it. It's not campy Batman either. It's dark. Deliciously dark. People die, bad things happen, criminally insane mass murders live up to their reputation for mayhem and Batman slogs through it all with his typical style.

It's a game I happily played from start to finish in a sitting but what makes it great is that it's so full I can happily do the same again and again. A game that is only good once is hardly a good game. I do love me game with serious replayability.

If you've thought about playing the game, if you're a Batman fan, if you have some spare time just play it already.

Would I lie to you?

Holy Hell...

2009-09-12T22:12:00.002-06:00

Has it been that long?

Sorry guys. I honestly haven't forgotten about this place. I've just been stupid busy and occupied with a million other things. It's hard to be motivated to write anything at all when I do have a free minute when all I want to do is lay on the couch and maybe watch an episode or two of something or other.

Tomorrow is the shoot day for my teeny, tiny, very small film. For such a little thing it is causing me massive amounts of stress and costing me a small fortune.

I'm not complaining, mind you. This is really something I'm more excited and happy about than I have been in... maybe ever. Every minute of stress, every penny spent, every sleepless night, every worry I have, every bit of work done is absolutely worth it to be able to spend even one day doing the one thing that makes me happier than anything in the world. And I'm incredibly fortunate to have some really amazing and awesome people on my side, helping me out and putting themselves out just so I can do this. I appreciate it more than I'm sure I'll ever be able to express.

So lets all cross our fingers and hope that tomorrow goes really well.

Send good vibes and happy thoughts. I need all I can get.

At Least It's Not A Crack Habit

2009-08-29T20:58:00.002-06:00

I don't smoke, I don't drink, really I have very few vices. Unfortunately one of my few vices tends to get expensive. I don't know how it happens.

I have got to stop going to Best Buy, Future Shop and Rogers. Honestly. I went to Rogers to rent one movie so how the fuck did I end up buying three movies, a season of Dexter, a season of Rome, a season of Corner Gas and renting Arkham Asylum? What the fuck?

Maybe I should just take up smoking.

Bullshit Fact Of The Day

2009-08-28T10:02:00.001-06:00

A study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that a dollar could buy 1,200 calories of potato chips or 875 calories of soda but just 250 calories of vegetables or 170 calories of fresh fruit.

Happy Blogiversary To Me!

2009-08-27T09:56:00.002-06:00

I'm actually having trouble believing that I've been doing this four years already. It seems like only yesterday I wrote my first post. But then, I never was very good with dates.

Five blogs, 1 facebook page, twitter and a whole lot of ranting later - Kill The Body still stands.

Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me!

-Gwenhwyfar

No. Fucking. Way.

2009-08-21T22:14:00.002-06:00

Alright, I realize this is one of those moments where you just kind of look at me with that vaguely sad "oh dear, she's really lost it this time" look but stay with me here.

When I was a kid there was a plethora of terrible low budget kids programming, mostly local, to chose from. One such show was a local gem - Puttnam's Prairie Emporium. For years I thought it was just one of those things I had imagined or made up or was really just fragments of other shows crammed into one memory. As it turns out, it was just a seriously local show so only myself and a handful of other freaks who grew up on CKCK kids programming remember it.

But that's hardly the point of this post.

Working at the library there is an abundance of gossip and one of my co-workers is really the gossip hub of the entire library system. Tonight he casually asked me if I remember PPE. I answered in the affirmative. He then, with equal calm, told me that the security guard working upstairs is none other than Mr. Puttnam himself.

What. The. Fuck!

Seriously, that guy always looked familiar but I could never quite place him. As soon as he said it, it all fell in to place. It fucking IS Mr. Puttnam! A little older and a little balder, but it's totally him!

Jesus Christ on a cracker! I just talked to the guy like three hours ago! I was talking to Mr. Fucking Puttnam! And he has a bunch of tattoos, which I think weirds me out almost as much as realizing that someone I can remember vividly from my childhood is now working as a security guard at the library.

How the fucking hell did that happen?

That's just too much weird for one night.

Live Help?

2009-08-16T17:13:00.003-06:00

It was my week to host Too Much Pressure (it's the radio show I do with Robin on Sundays, you should know that already) so I got to see the switchboard over at BlogTalk. Usually I don't pay too much attention to anything beyond keeping the show going but today I kept seeing the "live help" icon down in the corner.

I have a question....

Why is that penis wearing headphones?

Punisher: Review Zone

2009-08-15T14:20:00.003-06:00

Well, I'll hand it to them. I do feel punished. I don't know what I was being punished for but it was clearly something really bad and I've very, very sorry.
When I watch any action movie I go in knowing it's not going to be Gone With The Wind or, well, anything really amazingly good. I'm not a huge fan of the genre but I can appreciate it, even like it. It's something I do, now and then, when I just want to shut my brain off for a few hours and watch some mindless shit involving a lot of ridiculous scenarios in which many guns are fired and dead evil henchmen litter the ground like confetti at a parade. Is that so wrong?
Last night I really just wanted to watch something along those lines so I borrowed my brother's copy of Punisher: War Zone. To be honest, Punisher was never one of my favourite comic book characters but I liked them enough to have seen and enjoyed the first movie. Also, Ray Stevenson is the new Frank Castle. Have I mentioned my love of Ray Stevenson? Because he's awesomely awesome and he was one of the very big reasons I love Rome as much as I do.
I was hoping for something good.
I was disappointed. Actually that's not even a strong enough word but I'll go with it for now.
Ray was, as I expected, the best part of the movie. I was having a bit of trouble picturing him as an action hero, especially Frank Castle but he managed to pull it off nicely.
And there ends anything good I have to say about the movie.
Wait, that's not true. Wayne Knight was pretty awesome in that "hey, I'm Wayne Knight" kind of way.
There were just so many things about the movie that were bad, wrong, troubling or down-right laughable. The biggest, most glaring problem were the accents. I cringed every time 90% of the actors opened their mouths. They all went for the most over the top, stereo-typical New York drawl with limited and varied success. (By the way - Thanks, Ray, for just going with a general American accent. It worked and I appreciated it. Really.)
Dominic West was absolutely the worst offender. It was so bad I was actually having trouble even paying attention to what he was saying. Would it really have been that fucking hard to find an american actor to play Jigsaw if that was what they wanted? I mean, the US seems to be positively infested with American actors and they couldn't find a single one? Although, to be fair, Doug Hutchinson wasn't any better. He comes in at #2 in the list of "unbelievably bad accents" and he's from Delaware. (Also on the list is the mafia boss at the beginning of the film, who's name I didn't bother committing to memory who was speaking in what can only be described as a bad Godfather impression meets The Simpson's Luigi Risotto voice.)
The acting was equally as bad going from wooden to (Adam West) Batman Villain-esque over the top and back again at alarming speed. All of which was bumped up a notch by how rushed everything felt. The whole movie felt like a speeding car with no breaks.
The creation of Jigsaw being the best example. He went from being shredded in some kind of factory that's never really explained to being up and walking around half a scene later. He even gets to do a half-assed, wannabe Joker/plastic surgeon reveal scene before he spends most of the movie being completely unfazed by his transformation and about 2 seconds being all "oh I'm so damn ugly! boo-hoo!" (Again, to be fair, the make-up was painfully bad. I would have cried too.)
Really, I could spend all day picking the film apart (I could spend an hour just on "Looney Bin" Jim) but I just haven't got the time to devote to that much garbage. Between the painfully bad acting, the shitty accents, the unexplained... well, everything, the plot holes, the cliches, the make-up, the special effects, the costumes (what the FUCK was Jigsaw wearing in that last 1/4 of the movie? Seriously. What. The. Fuck.) and the sound effects (the squishy/splashy/splat sounds that every single injury made went from stupid to ridiculous to annoying to hysterical. It was like something out of a WB cartoon) it was just bad.
I did actually make it through the entire movie but I had, more than once, considered giving up and going to bed which says more about it than anything.
Finally, let me just say this - Ray, I love you. Really I do. This in no way reflects on how awesome I think you are.
But sweet titty fucking Christ, this movie was fucking awful.

*edit: When casting mafia muscle men, do you think it's possible that they could have found anyone LESS intimidating than Keram Malicki-Sanchez? Really? Because he's about as intimidating as a potato.

Meme Time: My Life According To The Beatles

2009-08-15T11:30:00.003-06:00

It's Saturday and I'm too tired to be clever or original, so you get a meme! Yay! Aren't you excited? I know I am!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (derp derp derp)"

Pick your Artist:
The Beatles

Are you a male or female?
Girl

Describe yourself:
Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey

How do you feel:
Happiness is a warm gun

Describe where you currently live:
Strawberry fields forever

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Across the universe

Your favorite form of transportation:
Yellow Submarine

Your best friend is:
Mr. Moonlight

You and your best friends are:
Sgt. Pepper's lonely hearts club band

What's the weather like:
Rain

Favorite time of day:
A hard day's night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
A day in the life

What is life to you:
Carnival of light

Your last relationship:
Bad to me

Your fear:
A world without love

What is the best advice you have to give:
Act naturally

Thought for the Day:
Don't bother me

How I would like to die:
Free as a bird

My soul's present condition:
No Reply

Most Faithful Companion:
Blackbird

My motto:
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da

Oh and I'm tagging Robin, Janna, Ed

Painkillers...

2009-08-14T15:01:00.003-06:00

The only thing keeping me from killing everyone right now.

PMS: Inside every woman lurks a homicidal maniac.

Well, I'd Be Screwed...

2009-08-12T14:57:00.001-06:00

Created by The Oatmeal

I'm Not Dead, Honest

2009-08-07T18:20:00.002-06:00

Just really, fucking, head-splittingly busy.

Aside from my regular work load I also have a wedding cake to do this week. Most of which had to be revised several times because everything was going horribly horribly wrong. This was causing me too much stress and panic. But now that I seem to have it all sorted I am much, much, much happier.

I say that reluctantly, because every time I think I've got it sorted it falls apart again. I feel kind of like I'm trying to build a house of cards in a hurricane.

Anyway, once it's all said and done I'l try to be around more. Really.

Hi I'm Not In Right Now...

2009-07-31T00:10:00.002-06:00

But you can leave a message at the beep or you can try me over at Bluepaintred.

30-40% More Badass

2009-07-28T12:13:00.003-06:00

I think from now on I am going to start referring to the toaster as the bread scorcher.

Happy Birthday, Little Brother!

2009-07-24T10:48:00.003-06:00

Happy birthday, Reid!

Thanks for occasionally making me happy that I never managed to find someone willing to buy you while you were still small enough to be cute.

Goodbye, Mr. Lye

2009-07-22T22:45:00.002-06:00

Maybe the name Les Lye is one you're not familiar with but he was a big part of my childhood. He was "the adult" on You Can't Do That On Television and I spent more time watching Les and the rest of the gang than almost anything else for years.

Les passed away yesterday. He was 84.

So, goodbye and thanks for the laughs, Les.

So Who's Coming With Me?

2009-07-20T08:35:00.003-06:00

Here's the thing, I love Flogging Molly. I love them a lot. While I'm normally not one to be hung up on concerts (actually for the most part I don't like them, crowds bother me A LOT), I love them. And they are coming here.

Well, not here, here. Saskatchewan here. Saskatoon to be exact. Oct. 25th. (Even better as it's a Sunday and I have Sunday and Monday off! Yay!)

So I'm looking for someone or some people to go with. Seriously. Let me know if you're down, because I can get my crazy Irish freak on all by myself!

Top 10 Reasons Why Robin Should Move To Canada

2009-07-17T14:48:00.002-06:00

Despite my nagging, whining, suggesting, hinting at, and insisting Robin has STILL not moved to Canada*. I find this a little disheartening. So I decided maybe if she had some really good reasons she might reconsider.

10. She has an accent and it's a well known fact Canadians have a natural affinity for accents which would surely make her instantly popular, respected and adored.

9. She often complains about her daily commute to work. In my city there is no commute more than 30 mins. Hell, you can drive from one end of the city to the other in 20 mins if the lights are with you. My daily commute - 10 mins, through the park.

8. It's way cheeper here. That should be a good enough reason for anyone.

7. Free health care. (see #8)

6. She is now well versed in Canadian slang making Canada a natural choice as a new country to live in.

5. Our money, while not worth a lot world wide, comes in a variety of colours making it more of a fashion accessory than anything. So you can flaunt your money and be fashionable all at once.

4. Canadians are known world wide for being fairly laid back and friendly people. Why wouldn't you want to live here?

3. Erik wouldn't feel left out of conversations when we talk online. I could just ask him to explain stuff to her in person which would cut down on a lot of confusion.

2. Canada has so many opportunities for photography it's mind boggling. Also, I don't think I've ever gotten poison ivy here.

1. I live here. And so does Blue. How much more convincing do you need? Clearly it's the awesomest country in the world.

If that doesn't get her to move here, nothing will.

*and by Canada I mean Sask.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Stewart!

2009-07-13T12:15:00.002-06:00

Happy birthday to the hottest star ship captain, the best Professor, the perfect King Richard and the second best Captain Ahab ever (sorry, Gregory Peck is hard to beat at anything...)!

Grumpy Today

2009-07-10T12:34:00.002-06:00

I'm trying really hard to be as pleasant as possible while I'm stuck at work but honestly, I'm just not feeling it today.
Yesterday I had to go to the dentist, something I've been putting off for the better part of a decade. Two weeks ago I broke a large piece of one of my molars out and yesterday was the first time I could get in.
Let me pause here and say that my dentist is one of the world's nicest people and I really do like the guy. It's his job I don't like.
As always, the bitch who cleans your teeth was, well, a bitch. A seriously cunty bitch. She even gave me shit because I said "ow" when she stabbed my gum with her pick thing. Then she gave me shit for not flossing, right before getting the floss stuck on my broken tooth and trying to rip it out (which nearly took out the tooth completely). When I said "ow" again and "that really hurts" she snapped at me.
"Fine! You get it out then!"
What the fuck, bitch?
After that, the dentist had to freeze my mouth, drill out most of my tooth and fill it (which I get to again soon as there's another cavity he wants to deal with... sigh). The freezing I hate, it's damned uncomfortable, the needles suck and it makes my face feel huge. The dental work is a load of suck. On top of which I spent most of my evening popping pain killers, drinking cold water (it was helping numb the pain) and feeling gross.
Today my head feels like someone was kicking me in the face all night and as you may have guessed, it's making me a tad grumpy.
Stupid teeth.

Some Things I Wonder

2009-07-05T21:29:00.003-06:00

I have a tiny obsession. Nothing to big or terrible. I mean, there are plenty of other obsessions I have, but this one is probably the longest standing obsession in my collection.

I love cartoons. I do. I love animated shorts, like the old WB cartoons. I love animated series like Spongebob Squarepants and the Simpsons. I love animated movies, both traditional and CG (Pixar has been on my "companies I'd LOVE to work for" list since the first time I saw Toy Story). And I love and adore stop motion animation. Hell, I have favourite voice actors. Really, I do.

But for all my love and adoration, for all the hours I've spent sitting in front of the TV watching and laughing, there are a few things I always wonder about.

You know, because I'm a five year old trapped inside a cynical, bitter, sarcastic adult.

- How is it that Bugs and Elmer always seem to end up getting married? Really? I'm so not opposed to the gay aspect. No, it's that Bugs is a rabbit. Yeah, he's a talking rabbit but... he's still a rabbit. Even if he does look hot in a dress...

- Am I the only one who thinks Bugs looks hot in a dress? I don't understand it, but you take a scrawny, wise cracking, Brooklyn-accent having, male rabbit, put a dress and some lipstick on him and suddenly he's the hottest chick any gun toting, rabbit hating bad guy has ever seen. Weird.

- How is it possible that I've seen Wile E. Coyote smashed, blown up, flattened, dropped, tied up and generally thwarted by his own bad planning and ACME's subpar products in almost every way imaginable and it's STILL funny?

- Am I the only one who thinks Tweety is an annoying little shit and is totally on Sylvester's side?

- I've always wanted to know what Marc Anthony's owners look like. Kind of like the adults on Charlie Brown. I'd also like to smack them every time they wail on their dog.

- Sam and Ralph punch in and out, I've heard Sam say "another day, another dollar", so what they do is their job but who's employing them? I understand hiring a sheepdog, but did they hire a wolf too? And it must be paying pretty well to have Ralph keep coming back. I mean, the benefits alone would have to be amazing.

I dunno... maybe I'm thinking about these things too much.

Don't Forget

2009-07-05T15:27:00.001-06:00

Tonight is another episode of Too Much Pressure. Be sure to tune in.

Tonight we're talking about Kevin. If you don't know which Kevin I'm talking about, apparently you haven't been listening. You should fix that. Now.

This I Believe

2009-07-04T19:55:00.002-06:00

Knowledge is power. It's power that should be available to everyone.

An education should be a right not a privilege. People should fight every day for that right, demand it and use it at every given opportunity. No matter who you are or where you live.

Creativity should be actively encouraged in all of its forms. Stifling creativity, especially in children, should never happen.

Political correctness is driving people further apart than anything else. Making people too uncomfortable to make jokes, ask questions and to simply interact without having to worry will never ease tensions or create unity.

Humour is essential to life. If you can't laugh, especially at yourself, life just isn't worth living.

Everyone should watch the sun come up at least once. Likewise, everyone should watch the sun set at least once. Everyone should take the time to watch the clouds float by and to stare up at the stars. Even if it's only once. Preferably while sitting outside, in the country.

There is a world of difference between being alone and being lonely although both can occur even when you are surrounded by people.

Intentionally hurting an innocent is a truly unforgivable act.

Shopping? For Me? I'll Make It Easy

2009-07-02T14:52:00.002-06:00

Have you seen Perpetual Kid yet? Because if you haven't, you should. Now. They have some seriously awesome shit. Including this knife and this apron and this super awesome mug.

Yeah, I know that's all kitchen stuff, but they have other shit too.

Reservoir Dogs Take Manhattan

2009-06-28T15:14:00.001-06:00

This is one of my favourite mash-ups ever. Ever.

The Lazy Thief

2009-06-26T16:14:00.004-06:00

Yeah, I totally stole this from Robin.

1. Most hated food. Capers, hands down. I hate them so much they actually make me angry. I would gladly eat a whole jar of olives rather than one single caper.

2. Most hated person. I don't think I can pick one. There are several people currently fighting for the #1 spot.

3. Most hated job. The 12 odd hours I was employed by Wal-Mart. Worst. Job. Ever. Sam Walton and his entire family can eat shit in hell.

4. Most hated city. Probably Winnipeg.

5. Most hated band. There are a couple. Hootie and the Blowfish, Limp Bizkit, Britney Spears, Pussycat Dolls, Spice Girls.... actually, come to think of it, there are a lot.

6. Most hated web site. I believe the KKK are still maintaining a website which would win that title without much competition.

7. Most hated TV program. Just about anything that spews forth from the cesspool that has become MTV. "My Super Sweet 16", for example, makes me want to hurt people.

8. Most hated British politician. Tony Blair just for being Bush's lapdog.

9. Most hated artist. I have hated art styles and there are plenty of artist that fall in to each. "Performance Art" makes me violent, "Splatter Painting" too... there are more.

10. Most hated book. That I've read? Murder at Hotel Cinema. What a godawful, horrible, shitty book it is. Don't read it. Ever. Trust me.

11. Most hated shop. Walmart.

12. Most hated organization. There are a few. The church, unions and a few others top the list.

13. Most hated historical event. There are lots and lots and lots. The first one that comes to mind is the burning of the library in Alexandria. Destruction of knowledge and literature hurts my soul.

14. Most hated sport. Cricket. Not only is it boring as fuck but I've no idea how to play it.

15. Most hated piece of technology. The technology developed expressly for warfare.

16. Most hated annual event. Christmas.

17. Most hated daily task. Getting up and read for work.

18. Most hated comedian. Either Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia, it's a toss up on that one.

The Things I Do For You

2009-06-23T14:46:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I had to stop for some groceries after work. This was a bad idea for several reasons, the two biggest of which being the "after work shopper" crowd that makes me want to kill and the fact that I tend to be hungry after work.

Regardless, it had to be done.

While I was shopping I noticed a display of new and/or cheap stuff. This sort of thing goes completely unnoticed or ignored for the most part, but I was hungry and I needed something to distract me from having to kill everyone in the store just for being so fucking stupid and irritating. It was a display of italian soda or at least PCs version of italian soda. Two different kinds.

Blood orange (which I love anyway, bet you couldn't have guessed) and Coffee.

Hmm... coffee soda. Weird.

You know I bought some, right?

Well now I'm going to try it. I have a feeling it's either going to be really good or incredibly, mind explodingly, tongue destroyingly bad.

You're hoping for the latter aren't you, you jerk?

Here goes...

Well... it smells like coffee. Kinda. In that "instant coffee" kind of way.

*sip*

I... umm....

*sip*

yeah... That's... weird. It's like cold, sweet, black, fizzy coffee. At least one of those words doesn't belong in there. I think it's the "fizzy". My mouth is having trouble with this one, to be honest. Because the taste is telling my brain "hey, it's sort of coffee!" and then my tongue is all "wait a fucking second here. It's fizzy. Something is wrong. Very wrong."
I'm kind of thinking it might not be so bad as a float. At least then it would kind of be like an ice coffee... a fizzy ice coffee. Made with shitty coffee. Hey, maybe the ice cream would kill the taste of this. But why waste good ice cream? And why the fuck wouldn't I just drink an ice coffee? Made with good coffee instead of this "instant" taste, which is really throwing the whole thing off.
The funny thing is, it says "made with real coffee extract" while it tastes like they extracted it from the sludge that's been sitting on the burner in the office coffee pot since 9am. You know what I'm talking about, that last cup no one wants and everyone is too chicken shit to just dump. If you took that and made a soda out of it, it would be this. If that coffee happened to not actually be coffee but instead it was that bargain bin instant coffee.
Really, I wouldn't buy this again. It's kind of bad.
And by kind of, I mean really.
I've had the japanese canned coffee they sell as well and that stuff is actually pretty fucking awesome. Ice cold, it's one of my favourites. And it's not fizzy. It's also about the same price. Added bonus - It doesn't taste like a coffee bean just shit in my mouth.
Fuck you, PC italian coffee soda. You make my taste buds sad and that is a crime I cannot forgive. Go back to the hell from which you came!

On the up side, the blood orange one is wicked.

It's That Time Again!

2009-06-21T14:44:00.003-06:00

It's Sunday, folks! Time for Too Much Pressure! I know you're excited after a full week of radio showlessness. But it's okay, we're here to make everything better.

I have no idea what we're going to talk about today, but tune in because it's probably going to be made of awesome. Hell, we may even cure cancer. You never know, it could happen. So make sure to listen so you can say that you were there, listening, when we changed the world forever*.

*world changing not guaranteed.

Oh, Fuck Off

2009-06-20T22:26:00.002-06:00

So now that I've found out that my job will likely not be continuing past the end of July, knowing that I have to move at the end of July, having my car start falling in to pieces, being incredibly sick, watching my hopes and dreams for the future slip out of my grasp and in to the flaming pits in the deepest, darkest bowels of hell, it's fair to say the last few months have been shit. Mostly full of panic attacks, sleepless nights, not a lot of eating and general grumpiness.

I keep hoping that it will get better, but apparently it's just a whole lot of fun to kick me when I'm down. This week is just another good example.

Monday was payday. Tuesday I was denied a purchase of under $13.

Hmmm... something's wrong.

Wednesday I called the library to ask where my money is. They tell me I didn't get paid because they didn't get a time card. Which is odd as my supervisor hands those in. They tell me they emailed me, I tell them the library has repeatedly denied my request for a work computer and I work two nights a week. I don't get emails.

I ask if I hand in a time card now, will I get paid?

Yes.

On the next payday.

In two weeks.

Fuck me.

So I ditch my friends, drive all the way downtown, fill out a time card, get yelled at by the payroll chick, treated like shit and told that I'm just SOL. All of which, I'm sure, will come back to bite me in the ass.

Oh and I'm still FUCKING BROKE.

So I call my mom, who decides to start a fight with me on the phone after I tell her about all of this. Good timing.

I hang up on her and, using my very best judgement (that only comes with insane levels of frustration mixed with an explosive temper), I start punching things. Mostly my steering wheel.

My last punch lands off and I catch my last knuckle. Which pops.

It's still bruised and sore. I'm not completely sure I didn't break something.

Yes, this is how I deal with my anger. I can punch things or I can punch you. Deal with it.

Between Thursday and Friday the noise my car is making has gotten a whole fuck of a lot worse. I'm not convinced that my muffler is fucked. Which is just perfect as, you may have forgotten, I'M FUCKING BROKE BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET PAID!

And then today... Today I went for breakfast at my parents. I spent an hour there and left because my mother worked me in to a panic attack that consumed most of my day. She did call later tho... to ask what we're doing for father's day tomorrow. You know, because at that moment, that was all I was thinking about.

She did manage to work and "are you okay?" in at the end.

No, no I'm not. No you can't help. Please go away.

Then I came in to work. For some reason, the theatre coordinator thought it would be a really good idea to put two obscenely long movies on back to back, so I work until 11.30pm. When I go to do cash out, the numbers look a little odd but I don't think much of it.

When I pull the takings and count the float, I'm out.

$150.

That's. Not. Possible.

Seems the cashier last night fucked up and threw the numbers out. So I'm stuck with a fucking mess. Which is perfect after I just had a fight with payroll about my money and that looks bad. Really. Fucking. Bad.

Man, I love having a breakdown at work. Really. Too much fun.

So I don't know about you guys, but me? I'm fucking finished. I don't want to play any more. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm not even in the fucking mood to kid about it.

So any bullshit you may have had for me, you can shove right up your ass.

Anyone Wondering...

2009-06-20T17:09:00.001-06:00

If you're stuck for gift ideas next "give Gwen a present" time, you can find exactly what I want right here.

Just sayin'.

Happy Captain Picard Day!

2009-06-16T14:59:00.001-06:00

That's right, kiddies! It's everyone's favourite holiday. Captain Picard Day. Now let's all gather 'round the YouTubes and watch the traditional Captain Picard Day video.
PS - I love Riker and that Captain Picard doll. Makes me laugh every time.

Made of WIN

2009-06-15T12:16:00.003-06:00

In case you missed our show last night (you should go listen to it now if you did), you should be aware you missed one hour of pure awesome. Robin and I had our very first Too Much Pressure constest - The Slang Off.

Robin and I both came up with ten American and Canadian slang words respectively and then had to guess what their meanings were. You'll all be happy to hear that I came out victorious with a whopping 2 1/2 points. Although I am sad to say that, other than guessing the subculture it came from, neither of us were able to guess what our stand by tie-breaker word meant.

Paul was awesome as our friendly neighbourhood score keeper and laugh track. Thanks again for helping out and forgiving me for having to stop our hanging out for an hour to do the radio thing.

Oh yeah, that's right - I went to spend the day out of town visiting friends and at 4pm was all like, "I'm going to sit on my laptop in your kitchen and ignore you while I talk on the radio. Okay?" I'm just cool like that.

Honestly, as much as I know I'm biased, I think it really was our best show yet. Admittedly there isn't much to compare it to, but at least we didn't have any major technical difficulties and we didn't run completely over again. So, you know, bonus.

Thanks to everyone who listened. Check us out again next week. Same bat time, same bat channel.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

2009-06-14T15:38:00.002-06:00

Okay, that's a lie. Unless you log in so we can see you name.

Anyway, it's Sunday and time for Too Much Pressure. Go listen. Just do it. You know you want to. This week we're even having a slang off. So come listen to us make asses of ourselves. It'll be fun.

Damnit! Now I Need An iPhone!

2009-06-11T12:19:00.003-06:00

Apparently there's a new app For the iPhone that turns it in to an old style communicator. That, my friends, is made of WIN.

Is it wrong that I would get an iPhone just so I could have this app?

Happy Birthday, Hugh!

2009-06-10T23:41:00.004-06:00

A very happy birthday, handsome. Hope it's especially lovely, wonderful and all kinds of awesome!

XOX

-Gwenhwyfar

It's Not A Solution

2009-06-10T21:06:00.003-06:00

But it would keep me from seeing a lot of shit I'd rather not know about...

Toccata And Fugue In D Minor

2009-06-08T12:58:00.001-06:00

I think I love this video so much because it perfectly combines some of the very split parts of my personality. The way too grown up part that loves classical music, the cinephile part that loves old horror movies and the incredibly immature childish part that thinks that those giant keyboards are way too much fun and that loves any time spent in a toy store goofing off.
I. Am. A. Freak.

I Hope You've Learned Your Lesson

2009-06-08T12:43:00.005-06:00

But You Hear It Already, Right?

2009-06-08T09:21:00.003-06:00

Last night was the second installment of Too Much Pressure. We had a blast and had considerably less technical difficulties. I think we also managed to cover more topics than any two people should ever cover in an hour.

Next week it sounds like we'll be having a "Slang Off". Robin will be coming up with a list of American slang and I'm coming up with a list of Canadian slang and we're going to have to try and guess what they mean. I'm going to give my word to not cheat but I'm still confident that I'm going to walk away victorious. We haven't discussed what the stakes of this little competition are, but I'm sure we'll come up with something.

So if you want to hear the results, tune in next week. And please, feel free to join in the chat room or call in.

More Radio Nonsense

2009-06-06T19:58:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is Sunday. You know what that means, right?

No, it's not time to get ready for church. *sigh*

It's time for more Too Much Pressure. I know you're really excited. That's good. Just take it down a notch. I don't want you making a mess on the floor.

But you can tune in and I know I told you Talkshoe last week, we've made the decision to move over to BlogTalkRadio. Mostly because Talkshoe doesn't let you upload music or sounds or anything which is a ton of lame. Also, you have to be a member to listen to songs, which is kinda dumb.

Anyway, in the interest of confusing you as little as possible, just go here. That's Sunday at 6pm EST or if you're here in Sask. that's 4pm. Everyone else is going to have to work out that time for themselves.

I'm Captain Kirk!

2009-06-05T15:27:00.001-06:00

This is just for Paul and Jennee. No one yells like Kirk yells. It's just not possible for us mortals.

I Fought The Urge And The Urge Won

2009-06-05T11:18:00.002-06:00

Since the whole Twilight thing became such a world wide plague and every other blog post in the entire blogosphere has either been a pro or anti Twilight post, I've been trying to avoid the subject completely. Mostly because, like so many other things I find remarkably stupid, I was hoping that maybe it was just a fad that would be gone before the end of the week.

Unfortunately I was wrong.

Apparently Stephanie Meyer has some kind of terrifying hypnotic power that has convinced scored of people that her books are complete drivel. That sparkly vampires are cool. That "vegetarian vampires" isn't the stupidest phrase ever uttered by a human being. I'm not sure how she does it but I think we should all be afraid.

But to be honest, this isn't really a rant about Twilight. They've been done to death and let's just say that I'll add my voice to the chorus of people who are booing it. This is a rant about another beast.

Robert Pattison.

Can someone please explain to me what, exactly, all these girls are swooning about? PLEASE!? Because all I see when I look at him is a fugly, pale, effeminate, manorexic, heroin chic, douche bag. Even as far as his "acting" goes, from what I've seen of the movie he comes across as little more than a vapid, emo, airhead.

When did that become sexy?

I don't get it.

How did we go from Brad Pitt to Robert Fucking Pattison?

I shouldn't be completely surprised, I had the exact same thought about Orlando "look at my amazing inability to grow facial hair" Bloom. Fugly, effeminate, douche.

Honestly, it's not even that I care that everyone seems to be in love with the freaks. It means more Hugh Jackman for me. Keep your girly men. If I want one for myself, I'll take David Bowie. He may be effeminate, but he's the original hot-fem.

What gripes me is that when the world goes nuts for a couple of these freaks, Hollywood does it's damnedest to find EVEN MORE of them. They start producing more "Twilight-esque" movies, bring out the Robert Pattison 2.0 (who is already just Orlando Bloom 4.1) and suddenly a cultural phenomenon I found vaguely annoying starts seeping in to things I enjoy.

So now I'm begging you, please, take a really good look at these "hot guys". Think about what you're saying. Because, believe me, if it carries on the way it seems to be carrying on, it won't be long before I snap entirely and no one really wants that. Right?

Now In Audio!

2009-06-03T10:14:00.002-06:00

So I probably should have posted this a while ago and I'd feel worse but Robin only posted about it today too.

For anyone not aware (and I'm assuming that most people), Robin and I have decided to start up our own radio show. For now we're over on Talkshoe, tho whether we'll stay there or not isn't certain (if we do switch to something else, I'll be sure to let you know). I know how excited you'll all be to listen to us babble on about nonsense once a week.

You can find us Sunday at 6.30pm EST and if you happen to be in Sask. like me, that'll be 4.30pm. If you happen to be anywhere else... well, figure it out. I'll be damned if I know what time it is there.

And for anyone interested, here's our very first episode. We hit some glitches right off the top, but after about 5 mins, it gets better. Honest.

5 Simple Rules For Surviving The Movie Theatre

2009-05-27T20:20:00.004-06:00

As much as I was disappointed in the movie last night, I was ready to strangle several people in the audience. Here are a few simple rules for all of you to remember the next time you go to the theatre. They'll make everyone's experience much more pleasant and it will keep me from killing you in a brutal and bloody fashion while the rest of the people cheer me on for doing what they all wanted to do.

1. G rated, animated, kids movies are for kids. Anything PG13 or over is for adults. That means if I go to see an action flick with guns and killing and explosions and helicopter crashes, I shouldn't have to listen to your fucking baby screeching through the entire fucking film. If your kid isn't old enough to behave itself through an entire movie I suggest you start waiting until movies come out on DVD or invest in a fucking babysitter.

2. I actually like to watch the previews but I understand not everyone does so I'll put up with you talking through them. That being said, if you think that it's acceptable to sit and chat with the person next to you, you're going to end up in a lot of pain. That sharp pain in your head will probably be from my foot connecting with it repeatedly until you shut the fuck up.

3. I'm also one of those people who likes to watch the credits. Again, I know not everyone does and that is fine, leave. But either leave or sit the fuck down. If you stand up in front of me and stay there for any length of time I will quickly run out of the will power to not shove you over the seats.

4. Believe me when I say that you are capable of going two hours without looking at, answering or playing with your phone. Turn it off, dipshit. Even if you're not on the phone, taking the fucking thing out and lighting up half the theatre just to assure yourself that it hasn't run away is fucking distracting. If you feel like you're not capable of this, I'll happily shove that fucking thing up your ass to save you having to worry about it.

5. I know you think you're a cinematic genius and I'm sure that your opinion is really interesting but unless your name is Crow, Tom Servo, Mike Nelson or Joel Robinson there is no way in hell I should be listening to your running commentary on every fucking second of the movie.

X-men Origins: What The Fuck?

2009-05-27T17:07:00.002-06:00

I wasn't sure I was going to see it, to be perfectly honest. That alone should say something about this movie. I love the X-men, I've read the comics, I've watched the show, hell, I have some of the trader cards and I was still strongly considering giving it a miss. But my brother saw it and reported back that it was "watchable". So last night we went.

Where to start?

The good news is that, for the most part, the casting was pretty damned good.

I know lots of people have complained that Hugh Jackman isn't the best choice for Wolverine, but he's established himself as the clawed one now, so can we move on?

Liev Schreiber actually did a much better job than I was expecting. As far as being someone who could become Sabretooth, he really did a good job.

Ryan Reynolds was, well, Ryan Reynolds. Actually I'm pretty sure that's just how the guy is.

Really, my only serious complaint in casting was Gambit. Taylor Kitsch was bloody awful. Gambit is and has always been the ragin' cajun and this guy couldn't even hold down a decent accent. Instead it came in annoying burst along with his ridiculous acrobatics and awful hair.

Unfortunately the movie itself is full of some serious fuck-ups regarding characters and their backgrounds. Any half wit with internet access can check these things online after searching for about 20 seconds so how this got past the writers is beyond me.

But the biggest problem with this movie is the effects. They're not just bad, they're laughably bad. When Logan in standing in the bathroom testing out his new metal claws I actually started cracking up. They could have looked more cartoony if I had been watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Emma Frost's skin, for the record, is diamond hard NOT covered in tiny diamonds. It looked like some amateur job from Worth1000. And Patrick Stewart's brief cameo... I actually had to look again just to see if it was actually him. What the fuck did they do to his face!?

The most painful thing about the movie is that, essentially, it is a watchable movie. It's not great, but it's passable. But the shitty effects make the whole thing shlocky and awful at worst and laughable at best. In the credits they list about half a dozen effects companies and all I could think was "all those people and not a one could pull of a decent effect to save their lives".

This movie was so painfully lackluster that I can't even work myself in to a decent rant.

On the upside - I saw it on a Tues. so it only cost me $5.

Monday, Bloody Monday

2009-05-25T09:16:00.004-06:00

So I'm home sick today. Am I sick? Technically no. So why am I home?

This morning I woke up at 5.30am and about five minutes later I got a nose bleed. This wouldn't seem like a reason to stay home but let me assure you, after 45 minutes, a call to the health line, a whole box of kleenex, half a roll of toilet paper and having to decide wether or not to go to the hospital it most certainly is.

I'm also going to take this opportunity to share a few other things I learned this morning.

- When your nose gushes blood for 45 minutes it tends to get a little troubling.

- The health line is unbelievably busy at 6am.

- Even while potentially bleeding to death, I'll still insist that I don't really need to go to the hospital.

- Losing a lot of blood at 6am will leave you weak, dizzy, light headed and with a serious headache.

- Blood thinners will actually thin your blood. It's not just something they made up. Thinned blood does not clot as well as one might hope.

- If your nose is bleeding enough, chances are good that a fair portion of the blood will run down your throat. This is likely to make you gag.

- Swallowing too much blood will probably make you nauseous.

- If your nose is bleeding enough for you to be spitting blood, there is a problem.

So now you know and you can skip trying this yourself.

That's right, Kill the Body, doing stupid things and hurting ourselves to educate you - the unwashed masses.